It’s becoming apparent to me that I have some form of autism and have been masking for years. I have clear features of dyspraxia, but also have problems with maintaining relationships, deep discomfort around rules of behaviour, problems with physical touch and I internalise a lot of emotional pain for fear of tipping into a melt down. I had many of these when I was a boy and family used to laugh at me for “throwing a loopie”. I was teased and provoked into them by brothers, classmates and bullies. When I lost my rag I used to bite my clothing above my left pectoral. I had lots of clothes with holes in where I’d bitten them. This was also a source of family amusement. I used to have to do games at school with the girls because I was unable to play football. I can’t drive because I struggled to interpret the rules of the road in the casual manner that road users need to. I’m too literal minded. I was an outcast in primary school, but managed to make a few friends in secondary school once I learned to mask a bit. Of course I had no idea what this was; I just knew how I had to behave in order to be kind of accepted. I thought everyone had to put that amount of effort into being “normal”.
I’ve survived into adulthood without any kind of diagnosis for autism or dyspraxia. However, I’ve a lifetime of depression and anxiety behind me and I think I developed ME/CFS due to trying to return to normal too quickly after getting glandular fever (mono, to our US friends). I struggled at my teaching job and tried way too hard. This led to breakdowns and worsening of the ME. I am only just trying to unpick what actually happened and would like a diagnosis to try to help put to bed the deep seated notion that I’ve never been good enough to function in the world. It would be nice to feel that it hasn’t all been my fault, but, even in the (unlikely) event that I manage to get a diagnosis on the NHS, I fear I have so much psychological scarring that there will be work to do for many years before I really have a sense of peace over it. I’m 53 now and am still trying to pluck up the courage to ask my GP surgery about it.
It’s frustrating and leads to so much misunderstanding. Finding out, for me, was a huge relief that I finally felt validated in being who I was (and am). It is deeply worrying how, to this day, being different marks people out as somehow acceptable targets by many.
Understanding what makes me the way I am (and, challenges aside, I genuinely love who I am) has been very helpful to me in coping better (and in communicating why I do/feel the way I do to others). That said, I think masking is something that most people in our situation do on a day-to-day basis. Having to think consciously about what is expected by others is draining. The number of times I use the phrase (to family) “I thought that was how comvesation worked?” is significant.
I loathe small talk and crowds. Put me on a stage any day. I can speak to an audience of hundreds without difficulty (and have done so on many occasions) but cannot cope with being part of that audience myself. It’s a weird thing, with the public perception of autism, that people who can be articulate and good at public speaking are never assumed to be autistic but some of us are. On stage, I am in control.
One thing that’s funny and quite nice about being autistic with neurodivergent friends and an autistic partner is that we all just weaponise the “autistic tone” with each other. Often just makes sarcastic jokes or just saying silly nonsense but saying it in the usual tone and confusing the others.
There are issues that come with being autistic, but I’m lucky in my situation where I have a lot of either neurodivergent people or people who are patient in my life. And being aware of my limitations, and the things that come with being autistic has made me more open to who I am and embrace myself more. I masked a lot at school without realising, and his my true self from others, so this is very liberating.
Yep, this is something I’ve always struggled with too. Some of it is because I have issues with facial recognition, which makes it difficult for me to recognise people I know sometimes. This is something I have found very hard to come to terms with as I found it embarrassing and thought there was something wrong with me beyond my autism, but I watched a show with Anne Hegerty on TV where she mentioned having the exact same problems, and that reassured me.
I used to get really bad social anxiety that would be triggered if somebody did something different to what they normally would when they’re with me. I’d start worrying that I’d done something to upset them without realising, and I’d come across as harsh or patronising when talking to them. This resulted in a massive emotional meltdown on a holiday once with my friend from America, but thankfully she was very understanding about it.
My social anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad now, but I know it’s something I will always have to live with.
Absolutely this! I can cope with performance, but one to one, I’m a mess. I used to love doing am dram and learned how to easily do public speaking. I still got nervous doing them, but it wasn’t much more of a performance than navigating any social interaction,with the notable difference that, on stage, I felt a bit more in control.
One of my worst bits of social anxiety is among workmen. I can never figure out if I should say hello to them when I pass and they’re doing something on my property, or leave them to concentrate on the job.
Same here. I used to go to an amateur theatre group for the disabled called Fuse when I was at college. Great fun. I have the theatre director who ran it as a friend on Facebook, and she won an Olivier Award for her commitment to helping the youth community discover the arts a few years’ back.
She’s brilliant, and possibly one of the coolest people around. She helped me get two volunteer jobs in media, one as a runner on a film set and the other as a camera assistant for a local band’s music video.
While I need my glasses for both my eyes, my left eye is far worse at making out things at a distance then my right. Though, to be fair, my right eye is great with things close up if I take my glasses off. (Which is why if I’m doing something like building a computer, I’m likely to take them off…)
Social anxiety, particularly with groups and strangers (the meet-up in September will be interesting!)
Difficulty with small talk
But if you talk to me about a subject I’m passionate about I could talk forever
I like to have a routine, hate last minute changes or surprises
When I cook I really like to follow a recipe and do everything exact - don’t like to “wing it”
I definitely don’t like getting my hands dirty (is that a thing? Saw someone mention it)
Oh I can’t stand hot things - ovens, fires, BBQs…
I am quite obsessive over Doctor Who
Occasionally I get depressed, just feel totally empty and not wanting to do anything at all
I don’t generally show my feelings outwardly much - I tend to be insular
Not sure if all that is autism or something else! I am currently going through counselling about some childhood trauma (nothing shocking, just growing up gay in the 90s…).
The AQ test is one of the main preliminary screeners, and as far as these sorts of screeners go it’s probably the best one but still definitely not great and absolutely not reliable as a sole metric.
And I (as well as most autistic people I know, really) absolutely hate the “I would rather go to a library than to a party” and “I would rather go to the theater than to a museum” questions because they’re just basically meaningless. Like what kind of museum is it? Do I know people at the party? What can I see at the theater?
I’ve taken the plunge and written to my GP, asking for an assessment via Right to Choose. I chose Psych UK Ltd because they offer online assessment and I can’t really travel that much. I’ve yet to hear back from the GP, but I hope that I’ll find my way onto a waiting list. I gather that the wait is in the region of 14 weeks at the moment, which is just over the length of Series 1-5 of Doctor Who (2005-22), before they started chopping the seasons up and then reducing the number of episodes. So, I hope that I won’t have much longer than a series of Doctor Who to wait. That’s assuming that my GP is cooperative.
Oh, I don’t know. Fact is I’d almost always pick the library, even if the party was entirely people I know and like. I enjoy spending the day with friends, but I feel rather exhausted afterwards after that much social contact, whereas a library is quiet, socializing is at a minimum, and I can spend a bunch of time with books…
