I’ve had ME of varying severity for 28 years. These days I fall on the moderate/severe borderline, where I’m mostly housebound, but usually able to get outside for a short period each day. I have to rest in bed for several hours each day and I don’t manage all aspects of self care. I’ve also had depression for as long as I can remember, which is probably related to being unable to do the things that I’d like to. I’m anxious a lot of the time, and, given a number of issues that I’ve dealt with since childhood, I suspect I have dyspraxia and autism. I’m pursuing an autism assessment because I feel I need to know why I’ve found certain things difficult and why I have trouble in social settings.
I can’t always follow threads here, especially when they balloon, but I do try to dip in and out where I can. Having been an outsider forever, I’ve always found Doctor Who to be a comfort. These days I lack the concentration to binge it, and I generally avoid watching TV until my wife gets home from work so I have enough energy to watch with her. However the books, and magazine have been an emotional crutch for me for a very long time.
I’ve been involved with building three full sized daleks. The first one we built for a revue show at school. It was pretty rough and ready, because even the old Radio Times plans weren’t widely available then. When I was teaching I built a dalek that sat in my science lab. I used the Radio Times plans plus a Sevans model dalek which I used for measurements. It wasn’t bad. Eventually I sold it to make room for a new one.
The last one I built in 2004. The Project Dalek forum and site were yet to exist, but there was a precursor and I discussed it a lot with others. I managed to get some fibreglass parts, which made the task a lot easier. Being a movie dalek, it was a lot bigger. It sat in my office for years until I gave it away to a family. I found that focusing on the building techniques and minutiae of the dalek helped keep me feel calm. I’ve never been all that great with my hands, but I gave it a good go. It’s been a long time, although I occasionally look in on Project Dalek and get the itch to build. I lack the drive and energy to try again now, but I miss being able to lose myself in the world of creating comes, shoulders and skirts.
I love that there’s so much Doctor Who in audio and book form. I sometimes dip into an audio when I’m dealing with medication or something that doesn’t tax the language centre of my brain. I often find it difficult to engage with audio and tend to fall asleep or don’t focus on the action. I find those that are sound effects heavy and try to depict action hardest to picture. Two handers and those that work with words are best for me. I haven’t really dipped into the comics, although usually read the strip in DWM. There’s a lot more that I need to try to engage with, but I get very tired.
Being home all day leaves me feeling lonely a lot of the time, and I get very frustrated with myself not keeping up with my pacing schedule or taking care of myself. We have five cats, a couple of which love a cuddle, which helps. I wish I could manage to engage with people without getting so tired, but I find I need to act my way through most interactions. I learned that I had to people please to survive from a young age.
I have never been able to play football or drive or do most of the things that are regarded as normal these days. I enjoy some music, but talking about it makes me very anxious, thanks to being told I always chose the “wrong” stuff. The same goes for fashion. I need my clothes to be comfortable and unobtrusive. I admire people who can cosplay. I’d feel too self conscious and terrified of standing out. After a lifetime of trying to appear to fit in, when I really don’t, I find it hard to be different. That said, I love performing, when it doesn’t matter if I’m different.
I’m rambling a lot, but today is a bad day mentally and it helps to get it down. I’m also trying hard to avoid the oppression of continual exposure to news media. I’m going to go and rest now, with the added advantage of hiding from the world.